ATC Funnies

You may have heard them before - but hey - it's Christmas!

Pete

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, 1 o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little
Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan-Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war, mate!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702. Contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern.... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed.

The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What
a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours & I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark......and I
didn't land."

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